B122. NC: The Pioneer in Bigotry

She was one of my best friends in the early years of elementary school. Those years were difficult for her though, because she was so different from the rest of us girls. There was nothing about her that looked like a boy, but it was obvious to everyone, including those who called her hurtful names, that she was a boy at heart. She always played with the boys at recess, and they accepted her as one of them; and she was just naturally boyish in ways that no one could have ever taught her.

I remember the day she confided something very personal to me. Her parents, who happened to be very devout Baptists, had talked with a doctor and then with her about the possibility of having sex reassignment surgery. They told her the decision was up to her, and ultimately she chose against it. I remember thinking even at that young age that that was too personal to be sharing with me or anyone else. I shared it with my parents, whose reaction was sympathetic and similar to mine, and I never told anyone else.

An editorial in The New York Times  this week labeled NC a “pioneer in bigotry,” following the actions of our state legislature this week. Indeed it seems we have reached a new low, not only for NC, but for the entire nation. No state has ever passed legislation that discriminates in this way, and not only does it discriminate, but it specifically forbids cities and towns within the state to make their own non-discriminatory laws.

Now the fallout has already begun, with large corporations and institutions speaking out against the action and announcing publicly that they will continue their own non-discriminatory policies, and outside agencies, including the NBA and film makers, threatening to exclude NC from future tournaments, movies, etc. I predict also a lawsuit is not far away, along with further embarrassing press about our divided state. I’m pretty sure this week’s ruling is not the final chapter of this story.

Still, we, the people of NC (and those across the nation who are watching us), need to talk. According to a still active poll by Charlotte’s WSOC-TV, asking only whether one agrees with the legislation or thinks it went too far, with over 3000 responders, the results are close to 50/50, likely divided along political lines, which is what keeps us disagreeing so adamantly about almost any issue that comes up. I think we are better than this, and smarter if we had legitimate information not meant to manipulate and use us.

If you miss everything else I’m saying here, please hear this: this legislation is not about bathrooms. The bathroom issue is real, but there are some fairly easy answers that could satisfy everyone, if that were what they were seeking. (See my previous blog.) This week’s actions are just another episode in a political game that's feeding on the ignorance and fears of us, the voting public. These politicians have learned there are several tricks to keeping their constituents where they want them, and these two are among are the most dependable: 1. pretend it’s somehow related to Christianity, and/or 2.  convince the people they need to be afraid of something. Most often it seems they combine the two.

Transgender people have existed forever, but, like in the case of my childhood friend, it’s a very personal issue, not one that’s often announced to those outside one’s most inner circle. Some have surgery as children and go into puberty and adulthood with the physical bodies that will become the only gender their adult acquaintances will ever know, with no question. Others choose that difficult transition in adulthood.  Still others choose to live their lives as the opposite of their physical anatomy without ever having the surgery. Surely they will have to have that conversation with a potential future life partner, but not with co-workers or casual friends. History tells us of many women who lived their lives as men so they could fight in wars, or attend college, or publish a book . . . Others might dress as the opposite gender, either regularly or occasionally, but continue to identify themselves with their physical gender.

Because the transgender issue is of such a private nature, it is no surprise that most of us, myself included, know so little about it, even to the point of thinking it only exists in one or two celebrity cases like Caitlyn Jenner; and it doesn’t help if the sources from which we get our news are associated with the political machine that wants to leave us frightened.

Because I have in recent years met some transgender people, including a few students who have privately asked me at the beginning of the semester to please refer to them as he, or she, or neither, I have made it one of my many goals to become more informed on the subject. I still do not really get it, but I do get that transgender people are no more predatory or dangerous than the rest of us, and that their lives have been difficult enough without our prejudicial treatment or legislation. I have also come to realize that I likely know several other transgender people, as do you, about whom I am (and should be) clueless.

I tell my students that ignorance simply means we don’t know, and all of us are ignorant about everything until we learn better. There is no shame in not knowing, but there is shame in choosing to remain ignorant while we speak out against something, especially something that discriminates against other human beings.

Here is a good rule of thumb in political and religious controversy: If it singles out a group of people as inferior to you, or less valuable to God, think twice, and ask yourself if your fears are coming from a biased news source or from a friend or relative who listens to such a source, and then seek to balance it with what the other side is saying, or better yet, if you claim Christianity, how does it measure up to Jesus’ example and teachings of unity, inclusiveness, and love for our neighbor? Politics is making us a more and more divided state and nation, but I can’t help but believe that we are better than this.

B121. Toilet Talk

My nephew was not yet school age, but he was old enough to get angry when my sister wanted to take him into the women’s restroom.  Yet, it was a battle for her because she couldn’t go with him into the men’s room, and she needed to protect him.  Fortunately, since that time, unisex/family restrooms have been added in many public buildings, making it easier for parents with small children, or caretakers of those who need physical assistance for whatever reason.

More recently the public restroom controversy has resurfaced, currently centered in Charlotte, NC, following a recent passing of a nondiscrimination ordinance by the Charlotte City Council despite warnings from the governor that the legislature would reverse the decision. Like far too many issues, this one has turned into an angry political one with the progressives fighting for transgender rights and the conservatives fighting against public restroom predators. Both concerns are legitimate, and as most often happens when issues become political, both sides are failing to see the broader picture, and thus neglecting to seek meaningful and long-term solutions, the kinds of solutions that come from listening across the table between concerned voices on all sides of the issues.

In small spaces like medical offices or light traffic recreation areas (like hiking trails), a single restroom has long been an unquestioned accepted practice. When I’m out hiking, if there’s one small restroom facility available I am grateful. It’s usually a single-seater with a lock on the door. This seems a viable solution for many spaces. One restroom for the use of one person at a time, regardless of gender, similar to what we do in our homes. We don’t all go to the restroom together, but we don’t need separate male/female facilities.

This is not the answer for larger spaces with heavier foot traffic though, or for spaces heavily populated by teens, for multiple reasons.  Large public spaces like shopping malls ideally need 3 separate restroom facilities – one for males, one for females, and a smaller unisex/family one for those with all kinds of special needs. Spaces where a mommy can comfortably take her little boy, a daddy can comfortable take his little girl, a caretaker can take an elderly or physically challenged patient, or a transgendered person can go without being questioned or confronted.

But now let’s talk about schools, where I’m most likely to step on toes on all sides.  As a 29-year educator who has plenty of experience with high school and college students and restroom facilities, I caution us strongly about using our schools for winning our political battles. Our schools need to be required to provide a similar third restroom facility, but  it must not be a one-seater with a lock on the door, nor does the idea of fully enclosing the stalls work for the school environment.

Middle School and High School students are not little adults. They are struggling youth trying to figure out how to navigate a confusing world of hormones and choices, often just following their peers or their own hormonal instincts.  Middle schools and High schools already have restroom issues. It’s where kids go to smoke cigarettes, squatting with their feet on the toilet seat so they don’t show under the stall. It’s where they go to smoke pot. It’s where they go to have sex if they think they can get away with it. Given fully enclosed stalls and/or a unisex facility with a lock on the door, all school control is handed over to the students – their own private place to do anything they want to do with or without whomever they want to do it. This is a school nightmare.  So a unisex facility for special needs, yes, but it needs to be a two-stall space with partially open stalls just like the gender-specific restrooms, with no private lock on the door.

The transgender issue is only one segment of the restroom controversy, but is not one that should be swept under the carpet as a political battle. It is real and far more widespread than most of us have any idea.  In recent years I have had students every semester who privately request I call them he, or she, or neither.  Middle school, high school, and college are confusing times for many, and very fertile ground for those who bully and taunt.

Likewise, the issue of child predators is a real concern.  While most people in public restrooms are not pedophiles, pedophiles and child predators definitely exist, and public restrooms have proven an attractive target for them.

The public restroom conversation is an important one but is damaged when framed within a solely political context. Every public space needs to provide a unisex/family restroom facility for those who need it, and in addition, larger spaces and all schools need to continue providing gender-specific ones, to ensure the comfort and safety of everyone..  To frame the entire conversation as being all about transgendered people or all about pedophiles is flawed, as flawed as it is pretend that one or the other does not exist.  If a real solution is to be reached, the conversation must include both political arguments plus the differences in types of facilities and their populations, and the well-being of the varied physically challenged people who live and work all around us.